Dance like no one is watching,
Love like you’ll never be hurt,
Sing like no one is listening,
Live like it’s heaven on earth.
William Purkey
This weekend I have had the rather unusual opportunity of spending the whole weekend with just A4 and B2, and apart from some serious teething issues with B2 (two back teeth coming through) we had a ball.
I love having a big family. I feel utterly blessed to have been allowed to be mummy to these five wonderful little human beings. For medical reasons, I can’t have any more. I was devastated at first but I have come to see that with B2 as she is, having any more at this time would not have been sensible. I struggle to give each child what they need in terms of simple 1-2-1 time with me, not to mention individualised education. The older ones this year have had their needs perpetually put on the back burner to make room for B2. We’ve managed, we’ve grown but at what cost?
Having this weekend, just with my littles, has shown me how much more they need me. I’m not talking deep and meaningful needing, I’m talking about simply being with them in the moment. This weekend A4 had me to herself more than she has probably had in total over the past couple of years. And she blossomed with the attention. We had great fun together. She helped me with everyone’s chores and did a fantastic job! She was so enthusiastic, because it was just her, B2 and me. Once B2 was in bed for a nap, it was just me and her. We played together, worked alongside each other and cooked together. I couldn’t stop cuddling her and telling her how special she was and how much I loved her. She hung on my every word, soaking in the words with a thirst that should not have been there.
I have done my best over the past two years, in often times difficult circumstances. It truly was my best. At the end of each day I had nothing left to give. I am not beating myself up over this, just learning from it. Things have eased considerably the last few months. B2, whilst still the most challenging child I’ve had, has turned a corner. We have planned a great fun summer ahead of us of playing, talking, cuddling and most of all simply being…… together.
The days have been so long, for such a long time, that I had forgotten how short the years are. Two years have flown by. Two years less of my babies being my babies. Two years less of our family living and loving together. They have passed in a blur for me. After the cancer Gary and I said we would live seizing each day. And we have to the best of our ability. I want to go one better for my little ones. I want to seize the moment. And I want those moments to be the ones they choose. So when they ask for a hug, my answer will always be yes; when they ask if they can talk, my answer will always be yes; when they ask if I can play with them, my answer will be yes, more than no and when they ask if we can have a family night, my answer will always be a resounding yes! For one day I won’t be the first person they come to for a hug, or talk; they won’t want to play or have family nights anymore. They will have grown up and moved on. And that is how it should be. I know having grown children will come with different but equally special opportunities to be their mum. For now though, I want to seize these moments of their childhood. Because it is then I will be living like it’s Heaven on earth.
L10 has her first solo post on their blog: Fried Salt Pork and Gravy